Sauron vs The Grinch
by BoReD-n-OhIo
Summary: Alrighty! I started this around Christmas but didn't get it finished and just now did. It's just a parody of "How the Grinch Stole Christams", only with Sauron and birthdays


This is a rather strange parody of Dr. Seuss' s "How The Grinch Stole Christmas" and is about Bilbo's birthday party instead of Christmas. (Remember that Hobbits give presents on their birthdays, which is why Bilbo had a bunch of presents in his Hobbit hole.) With that said, here it is!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own The Lord of the Rings or The Grinch  
  
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Every Hobbit  
  
Down in Hobbiton  
  
Liked birthdays a lot... But Sauron,  
  
Who lived just East of Hobbiton,  
  
Did NOT! Sauron hated everything, in fact! The whole year and seasons!  
  
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reasons.  
  
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.  
  
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.  
  
But I think that the most likely reason of all  
  
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small. But,  
  
Whatever the reason,  
  
His heart or his shoes, being too small  
  
He stood there in Mordor, hating them all  
  
Staring down from his tower with a sour, evil frown  
  
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.  
  
For he knew every hobbit down in Hobbiton beneath  
  
was busy now, eating a meal... for some their eighteenth! "And they're all so happy, eating and laughing together!" he snarled with a sneer.  
  
"Bilbo's birthday is tomorrow!" he yelled. "It's practically here!"  
  
Then he growled, as he thought of the families, all sappy,  
  
"I MUST find a way to stop them from being so happy!"  
  
For, tomorrow, he knew... ...All the hobbit girls and boys  
  
Would wake up for Bilbo's party, and rush for Gandalf (He brought them toys)  
  
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!  
  
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! Then the Hobbits, young and old, would sit down to a feast.  
  
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!  
  
And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!  
  
They would start on Hobbit-pudding, and rare Hobbit-roast-beast  
  
which was something that Sauron couldn't stand in the least! And THEN  
  
they'd do something he liked least of all!  
  
Every Hobbit down in Hobbiton, the small and very small,  
  
Would stand close together, with the village bells ringing.  
  
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Hobbits would start singing! They'd sing! And they'd sing!  
  
AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!  
  
And the more that Sauron thought of the Hobbits'-Happy-Song  
  
The more that Sauron thought, "I must stop this whole thing!  
  
"Why for thousands years I've put up with it now!  
  
I MUST stop the people of Middle Earth from celebrating!  
  
...But HOW?" Then he got an idea!  
  
An awful idea!  
  
SAURON  
  
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA! "I know just what to do!" Sauron laughed in his throat.  
  
And he made a quick Hobbit-style hat and a cloak.  
  
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great evil trick!  
  
"With this cloak and this hat, I'll look just like a hobbit! Now quick!" "All I need are some hairy feet..."  
  
Sauron looked around.  
  
But there was none to be found.  
  
Did that stop evil Sauron...?  
  
No! Sauron simply said,  
  
"If I can't find hairy feet, I'll make some instead!"  
  
So he called his dog Max. Then he shaved some dog hair,  
  
And he glued it down there. * THEN  
  
He loaded some bags  
  
And some old empty sacks  
  
On a ramshakle cart  
  
And he hitched up old Max. Then Sauron said, "Giddyap!"  
  
And the cart started down  
  
Toward the homes where the Hobbits  
  
Lay a-snooze in their town. All their windows were dark. Silence filled the air.  
  
The Hobbits were all dreaming sweet dreams, laying still  
  
When he came Bilbo's hole in the hill.  
  
"This is stop number one," old grouchy Sauron hissed  
  
And he climbed to the summit, his hand in a fist. Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.  
  
But Sauron would not give up, and sit out on the bench.  
  
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.  
  
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue  
  
Where the little Hobbit pictures all hung in a row.  
  
"These pictures," he grinned, "are the first things to go!" Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,  
  
Around the whole room, and he took every present!  
  
Pop guns! And bicycles! Roller skates! Drums!  
  
Checkerboards! Tricycles! Popcorn! And plums!  
  
And he stuffed them in bags. Then Sauron, very nimbly,  
  
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney! Then he slunk to the pantry. He took the Hobbits' feast!  
  
He took the Hobbit-pudding! He took the roast beast!  
  
He cleaned out that pantry as quick as a flash.  
  
Why, that Sauron even took their last can of Hobbit-hash! Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.  
  
"And NOW!" grinned Sauron, "I will make for the village of Bree!" And Sauron turned around and was about to leave  
  
When he heard a small sound and he couldn't believe.  
  
He turned around fast, and he saw a small being!  
  
It was Bilbo, and he couldn't believe what he was seeing. Sauron had been caught by this little Hobbit guy  
  
Who'd got out of bed for a glance at the night sky  
  
He stared at the Sauron and said, "Hey, Mister, why,  
  
"Why are you taking the birthday presents? WHY?" But, you know, that old Sauron was so smart and so slick  
  
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!  
  
"Why, my sweet little Hobbit," the mean old Sauron lied,  
  
"There's a bow on this package that droops on one side.  
  
"So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear.  
  
"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here." And his fib fooled the Hobbit. Then he patted his head  
  
And he got him a drink and he sent him to bed.  
  
And when Bilbo went to bed with his cup,  
  
He went to the chimney and stuffed the stuff up! Then the last thing he took  
  
Was the log for the fire.  
  
Then he went up the chimney himself, the old liar.  
  
On Bilbo's walls he left nothing but hooks, and some wire. And the one speck of food  
  
That he left in the hole  
  
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mole. **  
  
Then  
  
He did the same thing  
  
To the other Hobbits' holes Leaving crumbs  
  
Much too small  
  
For the other Hobbits' moles! It was quarter past dawn...  
  
All the Hobbits, still a-bed  
  
All the Hobbits, still a-snooze  
  
When he packed up his sled,  
  
Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!  
  
The tags! And the boxes! The trimmings! The trappings! Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount Doom,  
  
He rode to the tiptop to watch the sadness bloom!  
  
"Pooh-pooh to the Hobbits!" he was evilly humming.  
  
"They're finding out now that no birthday is coming!  
  
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!  
  
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two  
  
"Then all the Hobbits down in Hobbiton will all cry BOO-HOO!" "That's a noise," grinned Sauron,  
  
"That I simply must hear!"  
  
So he paused. And Sauron put a hand to his ear.  
  
And he did hear a sound rising over the land.  
  
It started in low. Then it started to grow... But the sound wasn't sad!  
  
Why, this sound sounded merry!  
  
It couldn't be so!  
  
But it WAS merry! VERY! He stared down at Hobbiton!  
  
Sauron popped his eyes!  
  
Then he shook!  
  
What he saw was a shocking surprise! Every Hobbit down in Hobbiton, the small and really small,  
  
Was singing! Without any presents at all!  
  
He HADN'T stopped the birthday from coming!  
  
IT CAME!  
  
Somehow or other, it came just the same! And Sauron, watching all the Hobbits below,  
  
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?  
  
It came without ribbons! It came without tags!  
  
"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"  
  
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.  
  
Then Sauron thought of something he hadn't before!  
  
"Maybe birthdays," he thought, "don't come from a store.  
  
"Maybe birthdays...perhaps...mean a little bit more!" And what happened then...?  
  
Well...in Hobbiton they say  
  
That Sauron's small heart  
  
Grew three sizes that day!  
  
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,  
  
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light  
  
And he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!  
  
And he... ...HE HIMSELF...!  
  
Sauron carved the roast beast! And everyone got along, and started to sing (That is, until Sauron discovered Bilbo had his lost ring!)  
  
*His feet down there, people! Minds out of the gutter!! ** mouse didn't rhyme with hole, okay?! Maybe Hobbits had moles as pests instead of mice?! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Thanx for reading and please review! Flames accepted if you like, but please try not to be too harsh! 


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